The 10 Commandments
of
Grocery Shopping
1. Thou shall not leave your cart in an empty parking spot.
There are two kinds of people in this world: 1) those who return carts to the cart corral and 2) a-holes. Leaving a cart to find it's own way home often results in the cart camping out in a parking spot someone will inevitably pull halfway into before realizing the cart is there and angrily backing out, pissing off people behind them. The carts have a home. Help them find their home.
2. Thou shall not walk down the center aisle of the parking lot.
You do not have super-human pedestrian powers that override people in their cars trying to get past or around you. Pick a side -- any side -- and no one gets hurt.
3. Thou shall travel up and down the aisle like a civilized person.
Up one side, down the other. If you're barreling down the middle or the wrong side like a linebacker and clip my cart, I am not above throwing a shoulder. Also, try to refrain from doing a 180 halfway down a jam-packed aisle only to amble along as if you're taking in the sights of the Louvre. It's soup. Not the Sistine Chapel.
4. Thou shall obey the express line rules.
The sign says 15 items or less. It does not say, "Everything you can stick in the small-ass cart you chose instead of regular cart." That does not refer to the number of item types, but the actual item count. For example, those 75 cans of soup that took you 15 minutes to pick out does not count as a single item. You are not a special snowflake. If everybody ignored this rule, it would just be a regular line.
5. Thou shalt not decide against the frozen pizza you picked up in the frozen foods section and then place it on the shelf next to the shampoo.
Really? Come on now, people.
6. Thou shall respect the invisible checkout line bubble of personal space.
Regardless of how close you creep up or how many items you throw on the belt, you will be next--after me. If you continue to creep up, I will pretend to go through my coupon keeper for an extraordinary amount of time and chit chat with the cashier...unless you would like to pay for my produce. In that case, you have a deal.
7. Thou shall treat the cashier with respect.
This means not chatting on your phone while she's ringing up your groceries or getting ticked when she won't accept the four expired coupons you thought she'd ignore. If you get caught trying to sneak in an expired coupon, just let it go. It's 35-cents off of dish soap. You'll survive.
8. Thou shall not stop at the exit to go over your receipt.
Once given your receipt and all 300 extra pieces of paper that get pumped out of the printer with it, do not stop and read the receipt like it's a treasure map. There is nothing on that paper that is that important that you need to throw on the brakes and cause a backup. Move it along.
9. Thou shall reconsider the self-checkout.
Know your limits. Can you find a bar code on a product? Match the picture of bananas on the screen to the bananas in your cart? Flatten paper money to insert into a slot? If you answered "no" to any of those questions, don't be a hero. Go through the normal checkout.
10. Thou shall not stalk for a parking spot.
Finally, do not slowly drive behind me at 5 mph impatiently waiting for my parking spot that is often only two down from another available spot. Unless you're going to get out and help me unload my groceries into the back, your insistence on sitting there, impatiently revving the engine on your minivan, will force me to do a full vehicle check - interior and exterior - before getting back in and leaving 5 minutes later.
Given the fact that the employees at my local grocery store
see me more than my own family does, it's safe to say that I have quite a
bit of experience pushing a full cart around.
While I generally
enjoy the experience because a) I love finding and checking things off
of a list and b) food, there are a few simple things that would make it
better for all those involved.
1. Thou shall not leave your cart in an empty parking spot.
There are two kinds of people in this world: 1) those who return carts to the cart corral and 2) a-holes. Leaving a cart to find it's own way home often results in the cart camping out in a parking spot someone will inevitably pull halfway into before realizing the cart is there and angrily backing out, pissing off people behind them. The carts have a home. Help them find their home.
2. Thou shall not walk down the center aisle of the parking lot.
You do not have super-human pedestrian powers that override people in their cars trying to get past or around you. Pick a side -- any side -- and no one gets hurt.
3. Thou shall travel up and down the aisle like a civilized person.
Up one side, down the other. If you're barreling down the middle or the wrong side like a linebacker and clip my cart, I am not above throwing a shoulder. Also, try to refrain from doing a 180 halfway down a jam-packed aisle only to amble along as if you're taking in the sights of the Louvre. It's soup. Not the Sistine Chapel.
4. Thou shall obey the express line rules.
The sign says 15 items or less. It does not say, "Everything you can stick in the small-ass cart you chose instead of regular cart." That does not refer to the number of item types, but the actual item count. For example, those 75 cans of soup that took you 15 minutes to pick out does not count as a single item. You are not a special snowflake. If everybody ignored this rule, it would just be a regular line.
5. Thou shalt not decide against the frozen pizza you picked up in the frozen foods section and then place it on the shelf next to the shampoo.
Really? Come on now, people.
6. Thou shall respect the invisible checkout line bubble of personal space.
Regardless of how close you creep up or how many items you throw on the belt, you will be next--after me. If you continue to creep up, I will pretend to go through my coupon keeper for an extraordinary amount of time and chit chat with the cashier...unless you would like to pay for my produce. In that case, you have a deal.
7. Thou shall treat the cashier with respect.
This means not chatting on your phone while she's ringing up your groceries or getting ticked when she won't accept the four expired coupons you thought she'd ignore. If you get caught trying to sneak in an expired coupon, just let it go. It's 35-cents off of dish soap. You'll survive.
8. Thou shall not stop at the exit to go over your receipt.
Once given your receipt and all 300 extra pieces of paper that get pumped out of the printer with it, do not stop and read the receipt like it's a treasure map. There is nothing on that paper that is that important that you need to throw on the brakes and cause a backup. Move it along.
9. Thou shall reconsider the self-checkout.
Know your limits. Can you find a bar code on a product? Match the picture of bananas on the screen to the bananas in your cart? Flatten paper money to insert into a slot? If you answered "no" to any of those questions, don't be a hero. Go through the normal checkout.
Finally, do not slowly drive behind me at 5 mph impatiently waiting for my parking spot that is often only two down from another available spot. Unless you're going to get out and help me unload my groceries into the back, your insistence on sitting there, impatiently revving the engine on your minivan, will force me to do a full vehicle check - interior and exterior - before getting back in and leaving 5 minutes later.
Have a nice day.
Read more at www.abbyhasissues.com.
The 6 Items In Every Betch’s Shopping Cart
By Sgt. Olivia Betchson on May 13, 2014
As hard as we try (which in reality is not that hard), betches can’t cook. It’s not our fault, nobody really taught us how, we were
#blessed to have personal chefs, nannies or like a mom our entire lives. That being said, there does come a time when a betch needs to pretend to be a grown-up and actually get food for herself.
Now, she could just order out for every meal but that a) gets you fat and b) takes away precious alcohol money. TTH’s and nice girls might go to a farmer’s market because it’s “local” and “possibly cheaper,” but I don’t buy my food off the streets because I’m not fucking Aladdin. Which leads us to the grocery store.
The grocery store is a treacherous place for betches because we’re forced into a confined space full of povos and snack cakes. The best strategy is to get in, grab the essentials, and get out. That way you avoid the grocery store’s clever traps, like the inevitable stop-and-chat with people you know—or worse, employees—and the hot food counter. Let’s take a look at the must-have every betch has in her shopping cart.
The grocery store is a treacherous place for betches because we’re forced into a confined space full of povos and snack cakes. The best strategy is to get in, grab the essentials, and get out. That way you avoid the grocery store’s clever traps, like the inevitable stop-and-chat with people you know—or worse, employees—and the hot food counter. Let’s take a look at the must-have every betch has in her shopping cart.
Baby Carrots & Hummus: Carrots and hummus are a match made in heaven and the go-to afternoon snack. Pretty sure before George Washington Carver decided to mix PB&J, the ancient Greeks were eating carrots and hummus. The hummus makes up for the fact that carrots are pretty much just crunchy water. Also it’s totally healthy, esp when you eat like half a tub of Sabra in one sitting. Going through three bags of baby carrots per week def isn’t bad for your sugars like, at all.
94% Fat Free Popcorn: Popcorn. You make it in the microwave, it takes two minutes, and it’s absurdly filling despite having like no calories. What’s not to love? There was a legit point in time when I just ate popcorn for dinner. Some would call that disordered eating; I call it getting that last serving of vegetables in. If you don't buy the 94% fat free kind though, you might as well just eat a stick of butter. Sure all that microwave popcorn is supposedly bound to give me cancer but at least I’m skinny now.
Avocados: Avocados are fucking delicious and if you claim to not like avocados you’re probably also a Solange Knowles fan.
Kale: For the idealistic betch who thinks she’ll actually make it past the results page of the inevitable “how the fuck do you cook kale?” Google search without being like “ugh, too much work” and giving up. This will be followed by an intense bout of buyer’s remorse once the betch realizes she could probably chew through latex easier than she could chew the kale salad she attempted.
String Cheese: I don’t eat anything all day, and then when I feel like I’m about to faint, I eat a string of cheese.
Wine: I could go to an actual wine
store but that would be assuming I actually know shit about wine. Plus since my dad pays my grocery bill he’s basically funding my alcoholism.
Things to avoid
- The deli counter: You actually have to talk to people and all that salt is going to make you gain at least 3 pounds.
- The free samples: You’re better than that, betch!
- The sushi: Actually, never mind. Food poisoning is a great way to lose that extra weight in time for graduation.
- The cardinal rule of the grocery store is, never go when you’re hungry or else it becomes your own personal version of The Hunger Games. Plus you might end up doing something you’ll regret, like buying full-fat Greek yogurt.
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