He does not have a beer gut;
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet;
He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid;
He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He does not get lost;
He DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not balding;
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a cradle robber;
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get falling-down drunk;
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a total ass;
He develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not short;
He is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not constantly talk about cars;
He has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not unsophisticated;
He is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not eat like a pig;
He suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
He does not hog the blankets;
He is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He is not a male chauvinist pig;
He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He doesn't have a dirty mind;
He has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
He is not afraid of commitment;
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.